20/02/23 18:48:33
Oh boy have I got a retro for you.
Summary
- Lot of training this week, pushed myself hard, didn’t get much sleep but was very much engaged brain firing.
- Had an unusually shit day (Monday) today. I felt I was spiralling and that I was exhibiting self-destructive behaviour (more below).
- I really need to start putting these things into perspective and stop trying to be perfect along every dimension. I know food is always an issue for me but the triggers are more anxiety over time and what I’m doing for a period of time (like if it’s studying it feels daunting).
- Maybe I can attack this again with a bit of perspective some other day. Because today I just feel shitty.
- In somewhat better news I’ve become interested in causality and ‘model building’.
- My notion was that just the same way software engineers love building products, maybe my niche is building models, for understanding things I suppose.
- Not really too sure what to do with this yet on the energy front, I’ve been thinking of looking into open source energy models and seeing what they’re used for, how they work etc.
- Inspirations last week was definitely Robin Hanson, started reading his book too.
Actions
- Look at how I could maybe add more balance to my life (relationships).
- Try and get 7/8 hrs sleep every night.
Excerpts
- Today was not a good day. Lot of anxiety and verging on spiralling into what, I don’t know. Can be kind of scary sometimes. Distracting myself with interesting things helps but at the moment I’ve to study non interesting things.
- Just a bad day I suppose, good to practice dealing with it, that’s the approach I tried to take anyways, wasn’t perfect but did something.
- I think it didn’t help that I pushed myself hard last week, while not getting much sleep. I think it can kind of accumulate.
- I feel so delicate sometimes. I have a tendency to self sabotage also.
- Life’s not easy I suppose, everyone struggles, I shouldn’t be ashamed by it.
- I should have stayed home for another night. I just get this ball of anxiety and need to distract myself from it.
- I think maybe reminding myself of what I’m thankful for and trying to bring myself back to earth. Easier said than done.
- I’m also looking for some form of penance or something. Especially with food, I feel if I fuck up and eat the wrong thing, or too much, I’ve to ‘pay’ for it somehow, even when it’s not even worth dwelling on. To be honest, the less I dwelt on it probably the better.