22/02/23 16:43:55
Discomfort this week
@daily It occurred to me today that, at times, I subtly set myself up for failure.
The most stark example I see is my fixation on the food I eat. Like, today, I assume I’m going to snack around what I eat, which is what I feel I shouldn’t be doing. I’ve already assumed what I’m going to eat won’t fill me, so then I just default into the notion of snacking around.
I think it applies to what I’m learning too. I set up a day as a set of obstacles, I suppose, without fully engaging with what I’m learning. My day is fixations on things that aren’t entirely relevant, like food, or how many hours I’ve studied. As Aurelius would say, all we have is the moment, no future, no past, which gives me slight comfort and makes me realise that I really don’t focus on the moment, no matter what it is I’m doing.
I wrote this morning, that purposefully doing things, not being pulled back and forth by the current of your mind is a way to go about living. I failed at that, at times today. But also, I need to stop self sabotaging myself. In thinking that, it’s catastrophic if I fail to meet my standards every day. What is something I can control is trying. Trying also includes being kind to myself, knowing myself, acknowledging that I am not perfect and struggle at certain things. The carrot and the stick to get through things, not just bludgeoning myself to death with the stick.
My life is a bit aimless at the moment, but not as aimless as I make it at times. College is aimless, yes, but jiu-jitsu is not.
”Defining yourself by your suffering is an effective way to keep suffering forever.”
Who do you want to be? What does that person look like?
I’m not far off it, I don’t think… listening to Maggie Rodgers, tearing up in the library. Just thinking about, ah, it doesn’t matter.